An Open Letter from Donald Trump to "Bernie or Bust"

 [The following is satire. Making that clear for legal reasons.]

Hi. I'm Donald Trump. During my campaign for the Republican nomination I've promised to take citizenship away from millions of children by changing the Fourteenth Amendment, deport million of immigrant workers, confiscate money from legal immigrants trying to send money back to their countries of origin, kill the wives and children of terrorists, lock up women who get abortions, steal private property to build a $20 billion border wall that won't work, ban an entire religion, aid nuclear proliferation, oppose any raise in the minimum wage, destroy healthcare reform and the Medicaid system, start trade wars with half the world, and change the law so that the media can't say negative things about me.

I oppose free trade even though my own clothing line was made in China, I retroactively opposed the Iraq War, even though I once wrote an op-ed piece in support of it, and I am funding my own campaign to prove that I, a lowly billionaire, cannot be bought--a subject I know a lot about because I've spent decades buying politicians, getting them to use Eminent Domain to give me other people's property. Of course, the money I am giving to my campaign is given in the form of loans, so I will be able to pay myself back from funds raised by third parties in the General Election phase of the campaign.

I have publicly said that you should treat women like shit, that "the blacks" have it easy these days, and that my daughter is totally doable. I have attacked every woman who has ever opposed me by calling them ugly, fat pigs who are on the rag, and possibly whores. I have also implied that all Mexican immigrants--with the exception of a few who I assume are good people--are rapists and drug dealers. I have encouraged violence on the part of my supporters, including offering to pay their legal bills if they are arrested for assaulting protestors.

I have lied repeatedly and unashamedly, saying that I saw news footage of thousands and thousands of Muslims celebrating in New Jersey on 9/11. No such news footage exists, but whatever. I have bragged that my supporters are so stupid that I could shoot someone in the middle of the street and they would still vote for me. I have accused entire states of being full of idiots because I did not win them. I have also threatened so many lawsuits during the course of my campaign that I have lost count. I once evicted an old lady so I could expand a parking lot, so you know I'm a great guy. Oh, and I'm about to go on trial for defrauding people with my phony university.

I have used racism, Islamophobia, sexism, and general bigotry throughout my campaign to attract legions of "angry white men"--some of them admitted white supremacists--to give me a leg up on my competition. I am such a political opportunist that I have changed party affiliation no less than six times over the past thirty years.

I took the time to write this letter to thank all of you Bernie Sanders supporters who are promising to vote for me in November. I never expected such support from self-professed liberals after all of the awful things I've said and done, but I am honored to accept your support. Don't worry, if you don't tell anybody that you voted for me, there is no way for them to ever know. This way you can shout about equal gender rights, and minority rights, and about how black lives matter, and speak out against intolerance and bigotry of all stripes, and fight for a higher minimum wage, all while voting for a man who has openly promised to take the opposite position of all of those things.

When I am President I promise to indict Hillary Clinton by presidential decree. My Supreme Court pick will surely help me in this matter. I also believe that with the power of my office I will finally be able uncover Barack Obama's real birth certificate. Oh yeah, in case you forgot--I am also a birther.

Yours truly,
Television personality Donald J. Trump